The Worst Sex Tips Ever!

This morning, we came across this Reddit thread, which was created in order to mock the often hilariously offensive sex advice published in Women’s magazines. So we thought it was only right to share our favourites:

1) Slap her vagina to tenderize it. It’s meat, ain’t it? You gotta really apply some force, or else your efforts will be in vain. Do this repeatedly. ThaLadykiller

2) Gently stick her vagina with a fork. dwaters11

3) While you’re inside her, use your hips and pretend to write your name in cursive. If applicable, do not forget to dot the lowercase i or j. maiorano84

4) Slip an ice cube into her vagina. The sudden change in temperature will drive her wild! FloobLord

5) While giving oral sex, slip a finger in her urethra! She’ll orgasm in ways she never has before! shining_

Couple in bed

If you think those are bad, you should take a look at the advice that’s actually printed!

When it comes to terrible sex tips; one publication stands out as an upholder of weird and wacky sex advice. Cosmo continually published implausible, often unfathomable, and unvaryingly comical kinky tips for a better sex life. Take a look at these:

1) “Think of his shaft… like the outer curve of your breast. …Take his shaft between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you’re volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves.”

Firstly, do women like their breasts to be “volleyed” like tennis balls? Because they’ve kept that a secret. Secondly: stop hitting us.

2) “Chew a small piece of mango… then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don’t try anything too acidic, as it can burn him.”

Yes, you read that correctly. And yes, it will probably feel just as weird and pulpy as it sounds.

3) “Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. …Yowzah.”

Feet need attention too, I guess…

4) “Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.”

Firstly, that’s a large pot of body paint you’ll need for your breasts. Secondly, what!? How do you ‘paint’ exactly? Doesn’t this just involve pouncing on your partner like a brightly-coloured sea-lion?

5) “Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.”

Unfortunately, there’s no instructions on how to concoct this delightful-sounding recipe. Do we need a blender? Will whisking it work? Don’t leave us in the dark here Cosmo – our sex lives depend on this.

Man looks at woman on bed and woman upset

6) “Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.”

Huh?

7) “Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body.”

There are often food-related suggestions in Cosmo, and as kinky as they can be…peanut butter and honey? It’s sticky, is likely to wreck the sheets, and, if done often enough, will give you Type II diabetes. What’s wrong with flavoured lubes, eh?

8) “Heat up some massage oil, and put it into a turkey baster. Then use the baster to draw shapes, spell out naughty words, or create trails on his body — from his neck, over his arms, then down his back, butt, and legs.”

This could just be me, but if my partner ever brought a turkey baster into the bedroom, I would probably punch them and run out screaming.

9) “Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, ‘Wanna hear me do this tonight?'”

During the day? While at work? With colleagues? Sounds foolproof.

Man on side bed with head in hands

10) “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”

Ok, so this was a reader submission. However, Cosmo actually printed it for people to read and do at home. Bad Cosmo.

Well, there you have it. Confused? Terrified? Us too.

All I can say is, if you ever meet a Dublin escort, don’t use any of these tips. You will find yourself on a blacklist faster than you think.

Martin Ward
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Martin Ward

Martin Ward is a well respected editor and writer with over five years experience in the adult industry. After stints in the Escort Advertising call centre and on the escort forum, he moved into the site editor position around three years ago.

Since then, he has specialised in articles on the battle for equal rights for sex workers, sexual health, as well as bringing the readers fun news from around the world. He also has a major interest in LGBT rights, and is an active campaigner in this field.

When he isn't fighting the good fight, he enjoys spending time with his girlfriend, and young daughter. He also enjoys reading and taking long walks.
Martin Ward
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