Vagina Beer Is Upon Us, Seriously!

The World’s first vagina beer is damn near coming. It’s suspected the kinkaliscious epiphany originated one fine day while day-drinking in the sun. A Polish dude asked his already buzzed homies, “Vagina or beer, which would you choose man?”

man drinking beer

The Warsaw, Poland based company, The Order of Yoni replied, “Bro, why not both?” His friend burped and then pointed out that, “It’s a hypothetical question man. If you could only pick one which one would you pick?” Legend has it, The Order of Yoni replied, “Then I pick vagina beer.”

So it was said and thus, The Order of Yoni’s mission statement was written.

“Imagine a woman of your dreams, your object of desire. Her charm, her sensuality, her passion… Try her taste, feel her smell, hear her voice… Imagine her massaging you passionately and whispering into your ear everything you want. Now free your fantasies and imagine that with a magic wand you can close it in one bottle of beer,” the IndiGoGo page passionately burps.

Punani beer captures a woman’s vagina in a bottle

If craft beers turns you on then get excited for the juiciest, kinkiest new flavor: Beaver beer! The creators of The Order of Yoni sought to capture the essence of a woman which they believe is in her vaginal bacteria. The kinky key ingredient is lactic acid bacteria. Although the beer doesn’t taste or smell like pussy, it does possess potent properties of the cunt punt!

Whose pretty kitty squirted it’s joy juice into the first batch? If you don’t know the smoking hot Czech model Alexandra Brendlova, now you do. All potential na-na squirters underwent a very strict selection process. The company devoted a lot of time to find the ‘right’ model, one that, “personifies femininity, natural charm, allure and who possesses all the desired instincts which we want to frame in our bottle of beer.” Each whisker biscuit beer will be stamped with Brendlova’s name as well as, “the date of the collection of her vaginal swab.”

The company projects their initial run of beers will include: sour ales, lambics, flanders ales and sour stouts. They also plan to brew more beers harvested from other nookies. They even foresee creating more pootie tang products like kefirs and yogurts. The Order of Yoni’s website proclaims in a what I can only imagine was a drunken rant.

“The secret lies in her vagina. Using hi-tech microbiology, we isolate, examine and prepare lactic acid bacteria from a vagina of a unique woman. The bacteria, lactobacillus along with the woman’s features of grace, glamor and her instincts are all crafted into a beer turning a sip into a liquid dance with a lovely goddess.”

It’s a wet dream with a fund raising page

An Indiegogo page has been erected to raise financial support for bang hole beer. The Order of Yoni is trying to raise €150,000 to fund the first batches of ‘Bottled Instinct’, using the lactic acid bacteria from Czech model, Alexandra Brendlova’s love cave. How pray tell are they planning to use that money to make bat cave beer? They’re hoping to ferment six batches with 16,600 beers each. The money will pay for crafting the beer while some monies will be the ‘model’s reward.’

As it goes with on line funding campaigns, different contributions reap different rewards. The Order of the Yoni is offering honorary mentions on FB posts and on their VIP Wall of Fame. They’re also offering slit swag like postcards, glasses, gadgets and other pussy paraphernalia. Most impressive is their reward for a donation of 10,000 Euros: The Order of the Yoni will produce 60 bottles of moose knuckle kooter ale derived from your girlfriend’s bearded oyster bacteria!

The kinky ingredient, this strand of lactobacillus is a ‘friendly’ bacteria that helps in keeping your gut and privates healthy. Just last year, muff juice in food hit the headlines when a woman made herself breakfast with her pootang juice. She used her lady liquid to make yogurt after which she casually added a dash of blueberries. Turns out, lactobacillus can be used to make your own yogurt, cheese, whey, sauerkraut and bread!

Birth canal bacteria is a culinary ingredient!

While there are numerous shots and cocktails named after the pussy like the ‘Frothy Vagina,’ that bartender is merely putting Midori, SoCo, Schnapps and fruit juice into that shaker. The Order of the Yoni literally went downtown to bring their game to a whole new level. ‘Bottled Instinct’ crafted by the Order of the Yonni is the first beer to contain properties of the pussy.

As of today, only €564 of 150,000 Euros has been raised and the clock is ticking. There’s only a few days left in the fund raising campaign. So unless more muff-diving, beer-loving, day-drinking homies start putting their money where there mouth is, bang hole beer could end up being what it originally was, a delirious notion of a day drinker.

Gabriella Zene
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Gabriella Zene

Gabriella Zene is an American writer who joined the Escort Advertising team in early 2016. Since then, she has gained a fine reputation, and adds a high level of sex industry expertise to the team.

She is certainly most famous for her informative, yet hilarious looks at sex from around the world. However, she is also well known for her erotic stories, as well as her blogs on sexual health, which she sees as vital in helping out men and women everywhere.

When she is not knocking other trending articles out of the park, Gabriella likes walking her pet dog, and eating at nice restaurants.
Gabriella Zene
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