Man Jailed For Jerking Off in Woman’s Coffee!

We all know what it is like when you are trying to get someone to like you. You attempt ‘accidentally’ meet them in work, you try and find ways to start a conversation. You may even try and ask them to the cinema. But have you heard of jerking off in their coffee? Well, me neither until I read this disturbing, yet rather amusing story from the USA.

Woman licks cream from her mouth

A Minnesota hardware store employee has been arrested after he repeatedly masturbated in a co-workers coffee.

A Desire To be Noticed

John R.Lind, 34 did this because he was attracted to her, and wanted her to notice him. Well that is one way to go about it I suppose!

It seems he came in her cup twice, and jerked off on her desk a further four times. He even used one of her scrunchies to wipe up the mess. No, I’m not making this up, sadly.

Police say Lind told them that he knew what he was doing was wrong. Well, you have to give him marks for self awareness.

It does seem that he was successful in getting noticed. His co-worker caught him at her desk with his hands on his crotch. When he turned round he appeared like a “deer in the headlights”. He tried to cover his tracks by saying he had come to ask he a question. However, as he was obviously jerking off, the evidence was damning.

According to CBS Minnesota

‘The worker told police she inspected her desk and found fluid on the surface, dripping onto the floor. A lot of it had been absorbed into her hair scrunchy, which she put into a plastic bag. When at the scene, officers collected her coffee mug, coffee and scrunchy’.

The unfortunate co-worker says Lind had approached him with his zipper down so many times that she was considering making a claim for harassment. It seems she is the most laid back person ever, as I know plenty of women who would have cut his balls off after the first offence!

Suspected of Jerking Off

The lady said that she had actually noticed a funny taste to her coffee, and that it had definitely happened more than twice since February. She initially blamed funny cream but soon had other ideas. After being told what Lind had been jerking off in her coffee, she said “I knew it.”

It makes me feel ill just writing about it, let alone drinking it.

Well, it seems Lind got in a lot of trouble. He was charged with criminal sexual content, though that was chucked out as Minnesota law didn’t recognise sexual contact as contact with semen. He ended up getting a 90 day sentence, but only served 45 days.

Going forward, Gov, Mark Dayton has said that anyone caught jerking off in the manner he would become a gross misdemeanour.

Now the observant ones will realise that this all happened about six months back. However, it has only just gone viral, so we are allowed to bring it you as news!

So guys, next time you want to attract your attractive colleague, try not to masturbate in her coffee. No need to thank me for this advice, it is on the house!

Martin Ward
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