The Bad Sex Awards Are Coming!

It is fun to watch porn, but sometimes it isn’t what you were hoping for. You might want to see a sexy woman with flaming red hair and a slim body, but the porno gives you a busty brunette instead. That is why erotic stories are becoming so popular. We get to picture those in the stories exactly as we want them to be.

A disappointed woman after bad sex

The problem is that not all sex stories are good. In fact, some of them are bad. So bad that they make you question all that you know about good and bad sex. You get to see a whole new way to describe sex that will definitely turn you off.

So while there are some excellent sex stories out there, there are some that show you how bad sex can get. We take a look at some of the entries to the bad sex awards.

What are the Bad Sex Awards?

Back in 1993, Literary Review decided to create an award to honour authors for the sex scenes they would slip into their novels. However, the award was unlike many others. Instead of praising them for great scenes, it highlighted the times that sex was written badly.

According to the Literary Review site, it is specifically for those who have “produced an outstandingly bad scene of sexual description in an otherwise good novel”.

Bad sex scene in Amelie
Original source: Imgur

For a lot of us it simply started out as a joke, something to entertain us when we needed it. But the award has grown. Many people actually hope to win the award, or to at least get a mention. After all, we are all a little curious about how badly sex can be written in novels.

If you spend a lot of time checking out erotic stories, you’ll know what to expect from a good sex scene. You’ll also know the kind of things that don’t work. So what sort of things have the nominees for 2016 been writing?

The nominations for 2016 are…

The finalists for the award this year have written some interesting sex scenes… and we use the word ‘interesting’ loosely. They have some unusual dirty talk and strange descriptions. Some of them don’t even read like sex stories and instead come across as something else entirely.

For a great example of bad dirty talk, we have to look at Robert Seethaler’s “The Tobacconist”. In this scene, not only does his character “make a gurgling sound” before the deed, but his lover tells him to “come, sonny boy!”. I don’t know about you, but adding the words “sonny boy” onto a command to cum seems like more of a turn off than a turn on.

Tom Connolly’s character is told “you’re beautiful”, which is a bit closer to the mark. However, his character in “Men Like Air” seems to be very distracted during his fun. Instead of focusing on the fact that this sexy woman is on her knees sucking him off, he starts looking elsewhere. His eyes are drawn to the passport in her jeans pocket. In fact it is so distracting that “despite the immediate circumstances, human nature obliged him to take a look at her passport photo”. Why? We’re not sure.

Speaking of distractions, the main character in Janet Ellis’ “The Butcher’s Hook” doesn’t seem to be too focused on what is happening. Instead she states that “when his hand goes to my breasts, my feet are envious“. Personally I don’t think of my feet when someone has their hands on my tits.

Pornstars reading from novels
Original source: Aplus

Then we get to the descriptions of sex. Sometimes you will read a bad sex scene and think to yourself “that’s not how sex works”. For example, Ethan Canin’s scene in “A Doubter’s Almanac”. Sex in this scene is described “like a brisk tennis game or summer track meet… between competitors”. Again, this doesn’t sound particularly sexy. In fact, it sounds pretty boring. Sex shouldn’t be boring.

At least Canin’s story doesn’t make you think of cannibals. Gayle Forman’s scene in “Leave Me” gains a spot on the list for his use of the words “devoured” and “ravenous”. We get what she is trying to say. She’s saying that he is so hungry for her that he cannot stop himself from kissing all of her. But saying that he “devoured her with his mouth”? That gives us the wrong kind of kinky images.

Now they have not decided a winner yet. The winner will be announced on the 30th November, but I think we have found it already. It is “The Day Before Happiness” by Erri De Luca. This scene really looks at how it feels to be inside someone during sex and takes it to a whole new level.

“I entered her”. Seems a perfectly innocent phrase, right? It gets worse. “Not only my prick, but the whole of me entered her… my whole body had gone inside her“. And it continues! “My body was her gearstick” is just another one of the lines used. This is all explained by the ending which (spoiler alert!) reveals that he was actually a car during the whole thing… but still. A little bit too out there for most of us.

Who do you think should win?

The entries this year are as good, or as bed, as we could have expected. They have made us cringe and long for a good fuck to undo all of the bad sex we’ve read. You might even decide that you want to instead take a look at some amazing erotic stories to make up for it.

You might even think that you can do better. Maybe you have a sexy story you want to share? Perhaps you have read a book that could easily outdo all of the 2016 nominations? You can share them with us in the comment box below.

Keen to have your say on who the winner should be? Why not vote in our poll? Can you guess the winner before they are revealed on the 30th?

Lara Mills
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Lara Mills

Lara Mills is a writer who has four years of sex industry expertise behind her. Since she entered the adult industry, she has worked on the Escort Advertising forums, before moving into her current role three years ago.

Since then she has gained a fine reputation with her blogs on sex advice, sexual health and amusing news stories from around the globe. She is also a campaigner for the rights of sex workers from all over the world.

In her spare time, Lara keeps herself active by going running, and is something of a film buff. She also loves to go travelling.
Lara Mills
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