Ah, Valentine’s Day. Depending on your current status and overall interest in the event, you either love it, or you shit on it. Not everyone likes to get showered in roses, chocolates and champagne when the day of love comes around the corner every year.
With all of the singletons, introvert couples, and anti-valentine’s day keywords that are constantly flashing on the internet, you need an article that can make you chuckle while you’re watching the shop’s love decorations getting blown away in the wind, and into the winter mud.
Besides, if you are in a relationship, you don’t have to do all of the compulsory things that the internet tells you to do on Valentines Day. You can do them on any other goddamn day. For example:
1. Buy Your Own Goddamn Dinner
You went to that fancy brasserie along the high street, and you’ve devoured a succulent medium-rare steak with chips and a glass of merlot on your own, right? So, what makes eating out with your girlfriend, an escort, or even your estranged female acquaintance from high school more special on Valentine’s Day?
Additionally, when you want to cook a romantic medium-rare steak for your companion, what difference would it make to your meal if you cook it on Valentine’s Day? Would the day make it taste like rainbows and make you feel like you’re on shrooms? No, just like any other day, you can buy or cook your own goddamn dinner.
2. Have A Cocktail With Your Own Goddamn Friends
I remember when I went out on Valentine’s day with my first boyfriend, and all we did was find a table at The Slug and Lettuce, order a wrap, and drink 2 Sex on the Beach cocktails. A couple of days after that, I realised that we did the exact same thing 2 weeks before the day came.
Why am I talking about my story like a self-centred millennial? Because that kind of realisation happens to other people every single day, or week, or month; it depends on how much you go out and eat wraps.
You may even do this the day after, but you can still drink your flippin’ Sex on the Beaches with your own goddamn friends.
3. Make Your Own Goddamn Bath With Your Own Goddamn Soap
Another trait that extrovert couples do on the day is creating DIY aromatherapy spa treatment in their bathrooms, because they can’t afford to pay them for an actual treatment at a well-renowned spa.
When would a creature do such a thing for their girlfriends and boyfriends? When they come back home stressed, when they want to try out a new soap bomb from LUSH, or when they simply want to show their partners how much they love them.
Unless some strange occurrence enhances the bath salts during the event, you can make your own goddamn bath with your goddamn soap, which your partner will goddamn love on any other goddamn day.
4. Play With Your Own Goddamn Genitals
Are you expecting a hulk-like orgasm on the day? You watch porn or you fuck your partner on any day of the year. So, should I explain this section any further?
5. Sleep in Your Bed With Your Own Goddamn Rose Petals
Okay, maybe this is be something that you wouldn’t do on any other day, but sleeping in your bed while being covered in rose petals like Mena Suvari in American Beauty is not something that can only be done once a year.
Some of my closest friends that are in relationships have told me that they’ve done this for their partners an average 5 times a year. I’m not kidding. Furthermore, who wouldn’t want to feel like they’re sleeping in a garden scene from A Midsummer Night’s Dream? for multiple nights in a row? If sleep in your bed with your own goddamn rose petals a couple of nights a month, you wouldn’t even give a fuck about Valentine’s day.
She is possibly most famous for her erotic stories, but is equally adept at giving top quality sex advice, all the time bringing in her 'personal experiences'.
When she isn't sharing her most intimate encounters, Zoe keeps herself active by watching videos on Youtube, and listening to music.
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