Go into the wild and listen to the kinky soundtrack. All that life that you hear buzzing around you is really just every creature great and small desperately trying to shag. Yeah man, the animal kingdom is a bangfest from Spring through Summer. And since it’s always Spring through Summer somewhere essentially the great outdoors is always shagging. Nature is the first orgy and it’s as old as time.
When the big bang banged, let’s be real, it rocked out sexy shock waves upon everything that sprang to the game. Humans were far from the first horny things shagging on Earth. Sea creatures, insects, bugs, they’re all freaks of nature and the animal kingdom at large is really just a rather kinky circus.
The ‘birds and the bees’ of the animal kingdom are weird, wacky and yet fantastically interesting! Marvel in their odd mating styles and revel in the kink that makes this wild rock keep spinning round and round. Herein are the freaking hilarious, most mind-blowing sex facts in the animal kingdom.
Sharks – Clasper Cock
Technically, male sharks don’t have a penis but that doesn’t phase Jaws. Oh hell no. Jaws prefers his two cock ‘claspers’ to channel its semen. These ‘claspers’ are an anatomical structure of the pelvic fins which serve the shark’s spunk junk. Many other cartilaginous fish have similar external organs that specialize in delivering their genetic glue some like the chimaeras even have their ‘claspers’ on their heads!
Let’s take a closer look at the clasper cock in action. When one of the ‘claspers’ raises, it allows water into the siphon through a special hole. Then Jaws inserts his clasper into his lover all like “You like that, don’t you?” That’s when it effectively opens like an umbrella, anchoring its position and becoming CLASPER COCK. The siphon begins to contract expelling water and shark spunk junk. SEGA game enthusiasts will appreciate a new study performed by the University of Florida pinpointing the growth of these ‘cock claspers’ to a gene known as Sonic Hedgehog!
Hippopotamus – Shit n’ Piss Hurricane
The hippo is hardly the only horny animal that uses their feces and urine for sexual arousal yet it surely is the only one that does uses it in an interpretative dance meant to attract his lover. When dude hippo sees a fertile mate, he literally shits and pisses while turning around in circles while spinning its tail. Chick hippos totally love shit n’ piss hurricanes. It inspires her to lead him down to the watering hole all like ‘Follow me Romeo.’ But it’s not for a rinse instead they use the water to successfully maneuver their massive bodies during their sexy session.
California Sea Lions – Fat is power
Getting ready for beach season to a California Sea Lion means getting outrageously, morbidly fat. In sea lion world, fat is like money and power. Fat ensures a male sea lion the ability to win fights, gain territory and the ability to tirelessly shag without having to stop to eat. The male California sea lions then fast, screw and fight for 29 days. This is a party animal that’s so committed to the cause that it ate next month’s meal yesterday so it could focus on what truly important to him.
Madagascan Darwin Bark Spider – King of Oral Sex
There are two types of lovers: givers and takers. It’s official that the Madagascan Darwin Bark Spider is a giver. It gives oral up to 100 times when it does its sexy thing. This stud in the bedroom is keen to engage in marathon cunnilingus sessions. It also uses BDSM for survival. Since chick spiders are known to gobble up their lover after they do the do, dude spiders implement mate binding. Binding that chick spider up in silk, he tells her, “I JUST ATE OUT YOUR CUNT 100 TIMES AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? UNGRATEFUL TWAT.’
Bonobo Monkeys – Sex conquers all
Bonobo Monkeys are very romantic and they’re said to be the most like humans as they hold hands, kiss and gaze into one another’s eyes. Unlike Chimps that use violence to get sex, Bonobo monkeys use sex to avoid violence. There’s never been a single observed case of aggression among Bonobos and the great Primatologist, Frans de Waal says that “the connection between less restrictive sexuality and less conflict holds true for human societies too.”
Pandas – Panda Porn
These teddy bears are known to be rather isolated creatures and poor breeders due to the fact they’d rather eat or sleep. Zhang Zhihe, Director of Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in Chengdu, China thought, “What if porn could inspire them like inspires me and so many others?” So in the privacy of their cages, male pandas watched the sights and sounds of panda porn on TV. Scientists found that the combination of panda porn and specialized hind leg sexercises strengthened the panda’s stamina. Zhang says that more than 60 percent of his pandas are now capable of shagging on their own and that’s up 25 percent from twenty years ago.
Whale – World’s largest cock
The biggest creature on earth also has the largest ding-a-ling-a-ling-ling-dong. Their special member can measure up to 2 metres long. Whale watchers have dubbed the whale’s cock as its ‘Pink Floyd.’ It’s a boneless prehensile appendage and it’s an ultra-humongous whale of a tail that can be measure up to six feet long.
Chicken – Ejects unworthy sperm
Female domestic chickens mate with multiple males and then following their encounters, she sometimes ejects the sperm all like “Um, no thank you!” A team at Stockholm University in Sweden found that hens ejected a larger proportion of insemination by socially subordinate males.” By doing this, they’ve retained control of paternity.
Male Honey Bees – Shag to the death
This is a tragic love story. Male honey bees compete to mate with the queen bee. After the best male honey bee wins, he gets to victoriously shag his Queen but when he cums, his bee wang rips off and he falls to his death. In the case of the male honey bee, dipping one’s wick isn’t just sticky it stings to the quick.
Alligators – Everlasting Erection
The reptiles sport fully erect penises that they hide inside of their bodies. The permanently erect fibrous tissue shoots out of their bodies and is pulled back in just as quickly. Alligator cock is so full of collagen that even after death, it’s still erect thus this reptile wins the title of King of the everlasting infinity erection. Human erections come and go but relax and take a look at how to go for round two in The Sexual Olympics.
Flatworms – Cock Fencing
Flatworms are hermaphrodites which means they have both male and female reproductive organs. When they get down to shagging they have a good ol’ fashion fight to determine who gets to be which gender. They then fight with dagger like cocks. Scientists call this penis fencing and the flatworms duke it out until one succeeds.
Porcupines – Givers of Golden Showers
Male Porcupines soak their partners in urine from head to toe before they go balls deep. The golden shower is a mandatory prerequisite to intimacy for these prickly creatures. Humans aren’t the only kinky homies that like to experiment with the wet wonders of piss play. Curious to read more about the wet and wild world of water sports then read Anna’s piece about A Guide to Watersports.
Echidnas – Four headed Willy
This porcupine looking marsupial has the freakiest cock shagging in the animal kingdom. The Echidna penis is long, red and has FOUR sprayer heads. It’s said to look similar to a hydra!
Female Macaques – Loudest Fucker Award
If you’ve ever been with a loud fucker then you know, they know that you know that they know that you like that shit. These animals are really loud when they fuck because they know it really turns on their mates. Being loud in bed is a turn on because it lets your partner know that what they’re doing doesn’t feel good, it feels great! Make some noise in your bedroom and learn more about Dirty Talk: What we want to hear.
The kinky animal kingdom
A good way to approach human sexuality is to acknowledge that everyone has their kink and the same idea applies to the animal kingdom. If every creature great and small shagging in one big kinky orgy revolts you then by all means, go back inside. If this has opened your eyes to the shagfest within nature then behold, the kink of the great outdoors.
Is there a wild sex fact from the animal kingdom that you know of and you think should be on this wild, kinky list? If so, drop your knowledge about kink in the animal kingdom in the comments below!
She is certainly most famous for her informative, yet hilarious looks at sex from around the world. However, she is also well known for her erotic stories, as well as her blogs on sexual health, which she sees as vital in helping out men and women everywhere.
When she is not knocking other trending articles out of the park, Gabriella likes walking her pet dog, and eating at nice restaurants.
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