Joke of the day

[royaler]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman; they started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

The next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He put on his clothes, grabbed his bucket of snails, and ran out the door. He ran all the way to his apartment and went up the stairs. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Ah Ladytron that is f++king brilliant ... best one I've heard in years!!!

[royaler]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Best Bitter. Barman asks, "What's wrong with the Bitter?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came round I was f--king skint."
Barman says, " 12 pints of anything in here costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint is my dog."

[max california]

I told my wife I was feeling horny.
"Well, we can soon sort that out," she said with a wink as she slowly undressed.
She was right too-I stopped feeling horny immediately.

[Toolbox]

Walked past the fridge earlier & I thought I heard an onion singing a Beegees song. But when I opened the door it was only a chive talking.........I asked the chive if he wanted to be an onion? But he said "I'm stayin a chive, staying a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah, staying a chive........

[Forrest]

Mick & Paddy are in Iraq.
Mick stands on a landmine and screams, "Paddy, Paddy, I've lost me legs"
Paddy looks at him and says, " Ya lying fucker, they're over there"


A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born,
"I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son"
The daughter in law lifted up her skirt and said,
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a fanny, not a fuckin photo copier"

[Donmor]

I was sittting opposite a gorgeous Thai girl on the bus to work the other day. She started smiling at me. I said to myself 'Don't get an erection! Don't get an erection!'

But she did.

[royaler]

YA Just gotta love the Irish!!

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
　
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
　
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
　
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[sharkskin]

What's a Greek Urn?

Absolutely nothing .................... according to his tax return.

[Jaygoodtimes]

Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a paedophile.

Not me, I live next door to a stunning 14 year old with a tight arse and cracking tits.


I read in the paper that there are up to 100,000 battered women in the UK each year.

And all this time I've been eating them raw.

[Donmor]

I was in the pub with my girlfriend the other day. She goes to me 'Darling why are you here?'

I go - as I kiss her on the cheek and brush my hands through her hair 'Cos I love you dear'.

She replies 'I know but this is the girl's toilets and I am having a shit.'