Married Bliss

[Forrest]

A drunk walked into a bar, looked around and approached a young lady.
Without so much as an introduction, he placed his hand up her skirt
and began fondling her.
The woman jumped up and began screaming her head off.
“Oh Christ! I’m so sorry” said the man, clearly embarrassed,
“I thought you were my wife, you look exactly like her.”
“Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable heap of shit”
she shouts, incensed, keep away from me”
“My God” says the man, “you sound just like her too...."

[Forrest]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch
in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me
another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer,
it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight?
Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken,
fat slob, and furthermore ..."



The man sighs and says, "It's started ..............."

[Forrest]

Concerned about his recent sexual performance, a man goes to see his doctor.
After a couple of tests, the doctor sits him down for a quiet talk.
"I'm sorry", he says, "but it would appear that you have simply worn out your penis.
By my reckoning, you have about 30 shags left, then that's it. Your sex life is over"
The man walks home in a deep dark depression. His wife is waiting for him in the kitchen.
"Oh my God!" she cries when he tells her of his news. "Thirty shags! We can't waste a
single one of them. Every one must be special. Let's draw up a schedule right now."
"I've already made a schedule on the way home", the man replies "and your name isn't on it"

[Forrest]

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good
food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Cork, mine is in Dublin.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!",
so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor.
When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"

[Forrest]

There were three men talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,
while the third man remains quiet. After a while one of the first
two turns to the third and says "Well, what about you, what
sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night
my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two blokes were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
"She said 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."

[Forrest]

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"



Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men
she could have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!

[emmasweet]

New formula marriage proposal! We rate, you want to share with me?

[warmcome]

we would cycle to this location, one evening. x

[Forrest]

Be careful how you answer questions from your wife or girlfriend-

When she asks, "What are you thinking?"
A good answer to this question would be, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.
I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,
beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Less appreciated answers include:
a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier that girl over there is than you.
e - How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Or, as Al Bundy, of Married With Children, said when he was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

or if she asks: "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be
more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."

Wrong answers:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

[Forrest]

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed,
the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks,
"Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?
"After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well, I'm waiting."
And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm still counting."

source: Honeymoon Jokes and Honeymoon Humor