Joke of the day

[Forrest]

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him!!! Give him a dollar.'"

"Breakfast was my idea."

[Dirty Harry]

my two favorite hobbies ,fishing and rape.they have much in common,they both start with a lot of waiting around in secluded areas followed by a sudden rush of excitment ..........then the old dilemma......do i kill it or let it go................it only a joke folks ok

[Dirty Harry]

a man in his bedroom shouts to his girlfriend come and see my new clock ",when she goes in he's laying naked on the bed with a massive erection..she says ".thats not a clock." he replies it will be when you put two hand and a face on it

[Dirty Harry]

just bought the wife a solar powered vibrator,seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it should save me a fucking fortune on batteries..............

[Dirty Harry]

paddy the electrician..got sacked from H.M. prison service for refusing to repair the electric chair,. he said that in his opinion it was a fucking death trap.....

[Forrest]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

[mr maxi]

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "P*ss off".
They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."
Then I thought, fu*k it, I could win this.

[lukas]

very interesting and thanks for sharing

[mr maxi]

An Irishman, an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat chick get on the
subway.
They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all hear a loud slap.

When the lights come on, the Englishman has a big red handprint on his
face.

The blonde thinks: "Oh, the Englishman must have made a move for me, but
fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him."

The fat woman thinks: "Hmm, that Englishman tried to put the moves on
that blonde and got slapped. Good for her."

The Englishman thinks: "Hey, that Irishman must have went for the blonde, and
she slapped me by mistake!"

The Irishman thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel, so I can
wallop that English fu*ker again".

Its great to be Irish.

[Forrest]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

____________________________________________________________________________

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."