Joke of the day

[whiteball]

Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder.
The driver shits himself, swerves, nearly hits
a bus and stops inches from a shop window.
''Fuck me, your jumpy aren't you? I only tapped
your shoulder.''
''Sorry,'' says the cabbie, ''It's my first day. I've
been driving a fucking Hearse for the last 20
years.''

[whiteball]

An old nun, was living in a convent next
to a construction site, noticed the coarse
language of the workers and decided to
spend some time with them to correct
their ways. And so, she decided she would
take lunch and sit with the workers.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and
walked to the spot where the men were
eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the
group and asked: ''And, do you men know
Jesus Crist?''
They shook their heads and looked at each
other, very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks
and yelled out, ''Anybody up there know Jesus
Christ?'' One of the steelworkers yelled down.
''Why?'' The worker yelled back, ''Cause his
mom's here with his lunch!!...''

[joggon]

[joggon]

[whiteball]

A Jewish man was at the races betting on the horses
and losing his shirt!
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed
the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th
race. Low and behold, that horse- a long shot- won the
race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped
onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the
horses. The man made a beeline for a betting window
and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though
it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see
which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it
and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses,
and each one ended up winning.
The man was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM,
withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's
blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track
for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag
that was 100/1. This time the Priest blessed the eyes, ears
and hooves of the old nag.
The man knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned
on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and
couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the
Priest was. Confronting him demanded, ''Father, what
happened? All day long you blessed and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even
had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent
of my savings!''
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
''You are not catholic are you my son?''
''No, I'm Jewish.''
''That's the problem,'' said the Priest, ''you couldn't tell
the difference between a blessing and last tights!!''

[whiteball]

Should be ''LAST RIGHTS,'' not ''LAST TIGHTS.''

[whiteball]

The new Priest is nervous about hearing confessions,
so he asks an older Priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new Priest hears several confessions, then the
old Priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few suggestions.
The old Priest suggests, ''Cross your arms over your
chest and rub your chin with one hand.''
The new Priest tries this.
The old Priest then suggests, ''Try saying like, 'I see,
yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about
that?''
New Priest says those things, trying them out. The old
Priest concludes, ''Now don't you think that's a little
better than slapping your knee and saying, ''No way!
What happened next?''

[joggon]

[joggon]

[whiteball]

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub
a wee bit late one night, found themselves on the road which
led past6 the old graveyard. ''Come have a look over here,''
say's Paddy, ''it's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul.
Lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood those O' Grady's!''
''That's nothing,'' say's Sean. ''Here's one named Patrick O'Toole,
it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Toole's
are a hardy bunch, they are!''
Just then Shamus yells out. ''Forget him, here's a fella that lived to
be 145 years old!''
''What was his name?'' asks Paddy and Sean.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see
what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims, ''Miles...''
''Miles who?'' asks Paddy and Sean.
''To Dublin!'' replies Shamus.