Married Bliss

[Forrest]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries, Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes lollypop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out several dishes of different hors d'oeuvres chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, cheese sticks etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?
"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F****N BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER F****N SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

...and they lived happily ever after.

[Forrest]

Mickey Mouse goes to see his lawyer demanding a divorce from Minnie Mouse.

The lawyer reads the divorce papers that Mickey had prepared and says that
the fact that Minnie has large teeth that stick out is not sufficient grounds for divorce.

Mickey looks up at the lawyer and says "I didn't say she had large teeth that stick out,
I said she was fucking Goofy"

[Forrest]

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the lady wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the man wearing black?"

[Forrest]

Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a €5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

[Forrest]

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing.
He called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple,
informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speaking a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself:
"I'm about 40 feet away...let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door,ten feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" STILL no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
His wife replies: "For the fifth time, CHICKEN!!!"



A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalise their break-up.
The judge asks the husband:
"What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."
The wife says, "It's seven weeks!!!"



My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got a mistress.

[Forrest]

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman American stand up comedian.)

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Any husband who says. 'My wife and I are completely equal partners', is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.' (Henny Youngman)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

[Forrest]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
Somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[Forrest]

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

[Forrest]

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married...
and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked.

[Forrest]

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary. What should we do?

Husband: Let's stand in silence for 2 minutes.