Joke of the day

[emmasweet]

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.
The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!."
"No worries," replies the clerk.
"We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs."
"Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent.
With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.
In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.
She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing?" she asks.
"Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here

[Sam Spade]

For the 'recovering thinkers' among us.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.

Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?

[Forrest]

Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt
because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible.

So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.
Nine months later, the two men are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery.
All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.

"Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here."
A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "He's quiet now, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass."

[Dirty Harry]

old lady is in shopping mall lift when two footballers wives enter.the door closes and one wife raises her wrist to tje other wife and says chanel no 5 cost 53pounds selfridges other wife dose the same and says gucci 65pounds harrods the old lady lifts one leg and farts and says sprouts 99p morrisons

[gentelmandave]

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Karla baby]

the teacher asked the young student: 1+1 is?
STUDENT:i don`t know!
TEACHER:IF I HOLD ONE APPLE IN MY HAND AND AN APPLE IN MY OTHER HAND...HOW MANY APPLES DO I HAVE?
STUDENT: .......YOU HAVE APPLES????????

[Forrest]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes
back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the
rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward, SAVING him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again,
and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and
get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole."
So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!

[Forrest]

Gardai in Limerick have just discovered a stash of automatic rifles, anti tank missiles,
grenade launchers, several thousand kilos of heroin, and 25 Ukrainian escorts, all in
a house behind the library in Southhill.

Residents said they were totally shocked, as they never knew there was a library in the area.

[Hagane00]

This is one of my favourite jokes!!!

[TheBestPoster]

Pat was lying on his deathbed, moaning and carrying on. "Mike," he says, "I know I'm a goner." "Oh, Paddy, have faith, ye still have years ahead uv yuh." "No, Mick, I'm finished an' you've been such a great friend, there's one thing I'd like yuh to do when I'm gone." Ahh, Paddy, I'll do anything you ask, I swear it to the Saints and the Holy Mother." "Well, dear friend, I have been saving a jug of fine whiskey that my brother sent me from Cashel some eight years ago, and I would like you to pour it on me grave when I'm buried." Mike sits silently for a long time and Pat asks again, "will you o that for yer oldest friend, Mike?" Mike draws a big breath and says, "Ye know I will Pat, but would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?'