Joke of the day

[Forrest]

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.
A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"
He says a fireman!
You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can.

[mr maxi]

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy.
If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the arsehole in front of you.
BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER.......

[Forrest]

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.
It was therefore decided that a commission made-up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
'Who is it?'
'It's Paul'
Jesus opens the door.
'What did you bring Paul?'
'Hashish from Morocco'
'Very well son, come in.'
'Who is it?'
'It's Mark'
Jesus opens the door.
'What did you bring Mark?'
'Marijuana from Colombia'
'Very well son, come in.'
'Who is it?'
'It's Matthew'
Jesus opens the door.
'What did you bring Matthew ?'
'Cocaine from Bolivia'
'Very well son, come in.'
'Who is it?'
'It's John'
Jesus opens the door.
'What did you bring John ?'
'Crack from New York'
'Very well son, come in.'
'Who is it?'
'It's Luke'
Jesus opens the door.
'What did you bring Luke ?'
'Speed from Amsterdam'
'Very well son, come in.'
'Who is it?'
'It's Judas'
Jesus opens the door.
'What did you bring Judas ?'
'FBI MOTHER F**KERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!'

[Forrest]

Three doctors discussing medical achievements in their country.
Italian doctor says" we took kidney out of one man, put it in another and both guys were back working in 5 months.

English doctor says "we took lung from one man, put it in another,and both guys were back at work in 4 months".

Irish doctor says "we took an arsehole out of Offaly, put it in the Dail, and the whole country was out of work in 3 months".

[Forrest]

The High Court has ruled that the Dail is not allowed to have a Nativity scene this Christmas.
It isn't because of religious purposes but because they can't find 3 wise men!!



A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served the food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
said...'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big
scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this
well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked
you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks,
in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch!'

[mr maxi]

Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him:-
'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'

Pastor Tony is walking down the street on Christmas eve when he notices a Larry, a small boy, trying to press the doorbell of a house across the street. However, Larry is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Pastor Tony moves closer to Larry's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to Larry's level, Pastor Tony smiles benevolently and asks, 'And now what, my little man?'

To which Larry replies with a beaming grin,
'Now we run!'







'Today we'll relax a little and play a spelling game before we break up for the Christmas holidays,' says Mrs Anand, the primary schoolteacher. Each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Jack, you can go first.'

Jack stands up and says, 'My name's Jack. My father is a builder, b-u-i-l-d-e-r, and he helps to put up homesMrs Anand says, 'Very good. All right, Dominic, your turn.'

Dominic stands says, 'My name's Dominic. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n...'

The teacher, Mrs Anand, says, 'Dominic, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Bobby.'

Bobby stands up and says, 'My name's Bobby. My old man is a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you five to two odds Dominic won't spell pharmacist by tomorrow.'

[Forrest]

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges \$500 for the bull and \$250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

[mr maxi]

little boy asks dad " Whats between mums legs?"
Father answers "Paradise my son"
Kid asks again " Whats between your legs ?"
Father replies " The key to paradise"
Piece of advice dad , Change the lock because the cunt next door has got a spare key

[Forrest]

Two men get drunk & visit a brothel.
The Madame takes one look at them & says to her manager:
”Go put inflatable dolls in the bedrooms, these guys are two old & drunk to notice.”
During the walk home, the 1st man says: ”I think my girl was dead.
She didnt move or make a sound !”
The 2nd guy says: ”Could be worse, I think mine was a witch!”
"A witch ? Why the HELL would you say that?"
"Well, I gave her a little bite on the arse, she farted in my face & flew out the window"

[Dirty Harry]

Darkness
the new fragrance by joseph fritzl